Adab (moral etiquette) with our beloved elders
Narrated Abu Hurayrah: Allah’s Apostle said: Let him be humbled into dust; let him be humbled into dust. It was said: Allah’s Messenger, who is he? He said: He who sees either of his parents during their old age or he sees both of them, but he does not enter Paradise. (Sahih Muslim).
“Your Lord has commanded that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to your parents. If one or both of them reach old age with you, do not say to them a word of disrespect, or scold them, but say a generous word to them. And act humbly to them in mercy, and say, ‘My Lord, have mercy on them, since they cared for me when I was small” (17: 23-24).
We’ve all heard these ayat and hadith that remind us about our duty to our parents (and grandparents). It’s something that I’ve been thinking about more and more as I get older (and wiser 🙂), and as my parents grow older in age. What am I doing to fulfill their rights? Am I doing enough? How do I teach my children about this important concept in our faith? That last question really stuck with me. I just know that I’ll be one of those parents who in their old age will bug their kids to spend time with them and make sure that every one of my rights are met. So how do I begin to teach my children about fulfilling my rights? Like all other good behaviors we want our children to learn, the earlier we instill them, the better. And what better way to instill them than to model them myself? To teach them, I would need to show them how I value and care for my parents.
Alhamdulillah, my parents and in-laws are all in good health and are very self-sufficient. They’re happy doing things for themselves and would prefer not having to ask for help. While that’s a great blessing, it does mean that I need to be more creative about how I ensure that their rights are fulfilled and that I’m giving them the care, love, and value that they deserve. One way to do this is to be very deliberate in all my (and my children’s) interactions with them to make sure that we are always showing a lot of appreciation and gratitude toward them, and by doing things to show them that we value them. My hope is that it will be inculcated in my children to carry on what they see and learn about how to appreciate elders. Here are a few examples of the interactions we have with our parents/grandparents.. They are all quite simple and can be adapted by almost any family.
Connecting with Visits and Phone Calls
There’s plenty of research about the benefits of children spending time with their grandparents and vice versa. These benefits range from children learning values and wisdom and receiving unconditional love from grandparents to grandparents keeping mentally sharp and decreasing their chance of depression when spending time with grandchildren. So it just makes good sense to make it a point to spend quality time with each other as we all (grandparents, parents, and grandchildren) have something to gain.
We’re fortunate to live near our parents so we make sure that we visit them at least once a week. On these visits, we like to bring over a meal or baked goods that the kids helped prepare. My father and my boys love watching American Ninja Warrior together, while my father-in-law and my boys enjoy watching cricket matches, so I try to visit on days that they can watch together and bond. My boys also enjoy helping their grandparents do yard work or taking walks with them. Most times we just simply hang out – chatting around the dinner table or swinging in their hammock. These visits are easy to plan and are an extremely meaningful way to build the connection between generations.
Although we visit weekly, we also make it a point to call our parents and for our children to call their grandparents to check-in on them regularly. The grandparents absolutely love when the kids call just to say “hi” and chat about their day. Similarly, if my parents call me, I make sure to never ignore the call and my children know this. It’s rare that my parents call on me for help with something, so whenever they do I drop whatever I’m doing to attend to their needs. I want my children to see and acknowledge these small but meaningful interactions with my parents and my effort to make sure they are pleased so they too can do the same for their own parents.
Learning from Their Skills, Talents, and Experience
Parents and grandparents have a wealth of skills and talents that they’ve obtained over their many years. Asking them to share their knowledge and experience is a great way to show that they are valued and loved and a great way to enrich ourselves and our children.
One of my sons recently needed some extra help in math. Me, being a Learning Coach myself, could’ve tutored him on my own, but after giving it some thought, I decided to ask my father-in-law who is a retired math and electronics teacher to tutor him a few times a week. My father-in-law was happy to help and came up with a detailed plan that included worksheets and all. I could tell it meant a lot to him to be able to teach his grandson and share his skills and knowledge on a subject that he’s passionate about.
Last year, when my other son was learning about electrical circuits, he told my father-in-law all about what he learned. I could see he was excited because this was his professional background. A light bulb went off. We invited him to visit the Sanad Prep Learning Center and do a demonstration on circuits with my son’s class. He took a lot of pride in putting together his presentation and it was a big hit with the students. It was great to see him in action with the kids, to see how they benefited from his knowledge, and to see him feel appreciated.
My mother enjoys sewing so whenever our clothes need altering or mending, she’s our go-to person. Many times we’ll sit and watch her use the sewing machine or mend things by hand. It brings her great joy to be able to help her kids and grand kids and to pass down this unique skill that she learned from her mom.
There are some cultural foods that the older generations just make better than anyone else. Once in a while we’ll ask my mom or mother-in-law to make one of these specialty foods for us. They feel special knowing that we’ll only ask them to make it. We’ve also set up cooking tutorials where they teach us how to make these foods. Not only are we learning to carry on our cultural traditions, but we have a ton of fun doing it and spending time together.
These are just a few of the interactions we try to implement to show our love, care, and value for our parents/grandparents. While having a list of ideas to act upon is great, one of the many lessons I’ve learned in parenting is that doing actions alone or talking alone are not enough. Actions need to be followed up with conversation. And talks need to be followed up with action. We make it a point to talk to our children about the things we do with our parents and why we do them. We help them understand that their grandparents have a lot to offer and that we are blessed to have them in our lives. These conversations and actions really help to bring home the idea of how we can fulfill our parents rights. Like most things in our faith, it’s really simple and can come naturally, and once done with intention can have great rewards.
May Allah help us fulfill the rights of our parents and may He envelop them in His Mercy. Ameen
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